I finished work early yesterday and realized I had an evening free to do whatever I pleased. The thoughts began to race… I needed to go to the gym, make a homemade dinner, knit for a few hours, start my new book, clean the kitchen, write in my gratitude journal, call my mom, walk the dog (ideally for an hour), and maybe watch an episode of Game of Thrones. Also, I haven't taken my guitar out of it's case for months. Perhaps I should take it out and play. And I haven't been meditating lately. Would I feel better if I sat down, meditated, brain-dumped, gratitude-journaled, and started a new literary fiction novel? There was also about three hours of news to catch up on.
I am a relentless optimizer and self-improver. I have never not been looking for a way to improve my morning routine, get my brain to think more creative thoughts, or finish just one more book within a calendar year. I sat down in early January and told myself that this year would be different- I would rest, get hobbies, and try to extricate myself from the hamster wheel of overconsumption and self-optimization that is frankly exhausting. And yet- wherever I go, there I am.
I am racing to complete my knitting project, frustrated that it isn’t moving fast enough. I am rushing through books so I can complete my reading challenge. I am picking up extra shifts to reach my savings goals, and setting 5am alarms to move the needle on new academic projects. I get to the gym four times a week and I get my 10,000 steps every day. I eat the same Greek yogurt bowl every morning when sometimes I would really rather pick up a hot croissant at my local cafe. I’m not overconsuming goods- but I am still overconsuming productivity and optimization.
In January, I deleted my Instagram and TikTok accounts, but I didn’t erase my consumption of aspirational content. I shifted it over to Substack. On Substack, we experiment with sobriety, we make clever quips about Didion and Babitz, we write our essays from little cafes, we are tortured eldest daughters who resent capitalism and going out- but it’s all just another amorphous version of the ideal woman.
There’s nothing wrong with being a twenty or thirty something Substack girl (woman, person)- I adore every essay about womanhood, about New York City, about having time alone to be weird in your room. I relate to so much of it- drinking less, finding people who read similar books, and finding community on this website has been completely enriching to my life. It’s important, though, to notice when you are striving to a certain ideal vs when you are settling into something that feels true to you. You should always question and hold to account new versions of the ideal woman, the ideal person, any mold you find yourself trying to fit into.
The ideal woman is easy to picture- she has a high maintenance to be low maintenance beauty routine, she attends Pilates five or six times per week, she has a capsule wardrobe of elevated basics, always has an interesting quip about the news, and never has bags under her eyes. Or maybe she writes a fabulous weekly essay and takes herself out for a glass of wine with a book every Thursday. Another version of her climbs the corporate ladder, downs fast-casual chain salads, and goes to Equinox on her lunch break. There are endless versions of her- and they are all unattainable. The labor of self-optimization required to be her is relentless. As Jia Tolentino wrote in 2019, under the pressures of relentless self-optimization, “most pleasures end up being traps, and every public-facing demand escalates in perpetuity. Satisfaction remains, under the terms of the system, necessarily out of reach.” And the only path to satisfaction is, of course, optimizing just a little bit more.
I have been reflecting on satisfaction and what it means over the past few months as I have chosen to opt out of shopping and consumer goods for the next year. The path to satisfaction, and we all know this, is not optimizing just a little bit more. The path to satisfaction is total acceptance of ourselves as we are. Pema Chodron writes…
Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full, unrestricted, and inspired way. One of the major obstacles to what is traditionally called enlightenment is resentment, feeling cheated, holding a grudge about who you are, where you are, what you are. Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, and therefore it doesn’t do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness.
So maybe I do really want to read Didion and Babitz. But maybe I want to read Onyx Storm first! And I really do love making sourdough- but only when it feels good and relaxing. And I’m realizing that I’m completely uninterested in thinking about personal style, ever again. I am working to find what fits and where I am unique and special in my own way.
There are still at least two months of winter here in Toronto. I have written about wintering and what it means to me here, but I think there is more to the story than I what I wrote at the time. I want to rest and be quiet and read books, yes, but I also want to go dancing with my friends and take myself out to a solo meal and have everyone over to my apartment and bake them a cake for no reason. I want to wear ugly outfits because I didn’t think twice about them and leave the kitchen a mess from time to time. I want to try actually being late to a deadline for once- just to feel a rush.

I hosted a game night last weekend and fifteen people came to my little two-bedroom apartment to play a really involved whodunnit game that we have played regularly for the past year. I was totally focused and engaged. I learned my character’s role, I tried to weed out which of my friends were the bad guys, I ate half of a boston creme donut, and I finally got rid of a 2L bottle of wine that my boyfriend inadvertently purchased when I asked him to buy a normal bottle of wine. Someone ordered pizzas and didn’t say anything- they just arrived, a total surprise and we all squealed with joy and thanks when those hot cardboard boxes made their way through the door. My puppy got up on the counter and helped himself to some ranch. Everyone left around 11:30, and my boyfriend and I stayed up until 2:00 am finishing season 2 of Game of Thrones. I finished the evening feeling like I had gotten away with something- I had all of that fun with my friends, AND I got to stay up late watching T.V.? Sometimes the surveillance I put on myself is so heavy that I forget that I have free will.
I want to feel like that more. I’m going to do what it takes to feel like that more. I think that in general, we need to be doing less. There is always pressure to be doing something- catching up on the news, listening to a new album, reading whatever Joan Didion book is trending this week, learning a new skill, progressing in your career, and putting more effort into your relationships. I agree with the importance of all of these things, but not everything needs to be perfect at the same time. Space for your mind to rest, to be a little bit bored, to lay on the couch and look at the ceiling is really important to cultivating creativity, intuition, and satisfaction with life.
Because I love a challenge and I really love a set of rules, I am going to set some intentions and challenges for self-acceptance and satisfaction in February…
Take myself out on one solo meal out- even if there is good food in the fridge!
Spend no more than 20 minutes picking out an outfit for any event. No one really cares what I am wearing.
Do not rush pleasure! The point of knitting is to knit- not to complete a finished wearable garment every month.
Read a little bit every day- with no rushing or chasing numbers and data
No more data-fying my life. I don’t want to know how many steps I take, how many pages I read, how much I weigh, or how many calories I burn on the treadmill. I am opting out of data and ratings and reviews and Goodreads (beyond marking down the books I read) and Letterboxd and Beli. I am a person, not a datapoint.
Winter can be restful but we can make it fun too. Let’s cut the optimization and have a little fun.
Things I loved this week…
Bon Iver’s set at Glastonbury 2009- what a timewarp this was to watch.
Turkey sandwiches on sourdough with tomato, hummus, and pickles. Truly an elite lunch.
Buying a six-pack of frozen chocolatines at Summerhill Market and making them at home on a Saturday morning.
Finally learning to use the steamer on my espresso machine to make little baby cappuccinos whenever I please.
Making a cheesecake for my boyfriend’s birthday and sharing it with all of my friends.
Thanks for reading and for all the love- I’m so glad you’re here <3
"Sometimes the surveillance I put on myself is so heavy that I forget that I have free will."
Dang. So, let me get in the line of people here who are allegedly old enough to know better but for whom this post really rang a bell.
Oh, how this has reached me at the exact right moment. I made a note in my phone last night to write a post about my need to STOP HABIT TRACKING...the pull to productivity is everywhere, it is so entrenched in our collective psyche.
'Rest' is literally one of my words for 2025 and so far I have done very little of it! Thanks for this piece - from another 'tortured eldest daughter who hates captialism' (and going out, obviously) x