07. Notes from my flop era

let things be hard and then let them pass (+ a gratitude practice for tough situations)

I regret to report that I am knee deep in a flop era. Things are tricky in my professional life (extreme sadness in the ICU and lots of constructive feedback to sort through in my PhD), my winter blues are raging, I rushed a knitting project and therefore haven’t picked up a book in weeks, my to-do list is never ending, and all of it just feels deeply overwhelming in a way that I am struggling to manage. The tension has been building and building, and last night I laid on my couch and finally let the tears flow. It was the release my body had been craving. Today, things are still hard, but the resistance is gone. Things are hard right now - I don’t have to pretend that they aren’t.

Pema Chödrön

I listened to a podcast interviewing the poet and artist Andrea Gibson last week, and they perfectly laid out the lesson that is available to me in this tricky season: let your life be hard. Then it won’t be so hard.

Recently, I had coffee with a friend who had a really hectic weekend coming up. She was hosting a party for her boyfriend’s birthday Friday night, flying out to a 10am wedding on Saturday at 6am, returning early on Sunday morning, and hosting a Superbowl watch party Sunday afternoon. She detailed these plans to me in a jazz cafe as we sipped perfectly foamy cappucinos. She expressed excitement and overwhelm in equal measure- she was looking forward to celebrating loved ones, spending time with her family at a wedding, and watching a game with friends. She was also rightfully concerned about the lack of sleep, the mess in her home, the guests, the hair, the outfit, the travel. We talked about it at length, and together concluded that she would probably feel exhausted and a bit miserable at many points during the weekend, but in a few weeks time be nothing but grateful for the core memories made. The key, we decided, was totally accepting that the weekend would be hard, a bit wieldy and unmanageable, but that it was all worthwhile anyway!

I tried this new method of cleaning 100% wool garments! It worked!

Resistance is often the culprit behind making tricky situations, busy weekends, and seasons of overwhelm feel a lot worse than they need to. Total acceptance is the key to finding relief, as well as freeing up brain space to come up with creative solutions to managing whatever is going on for you. For the last month (my flop era), I have constantly been bargaining with my life. I’ll be in this situation for a week, then it will be over. If I do this task perfectly, everything will be repaired. If I work late, I won’t have any professional woes. If I take the weekend off, everything will feel better. Shockingly (to no one), this bargaining, bartering, and justifying has not worked. Things are still hard. I know they will get better, but I don’t know when. That’s not for me to know right now. And accepting it has done more for my mental health than any game, barter, or trick I can play in my head.

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The truth: things are hard right now.

What I can do about it: Keep showing up. Keep working hard. Take breaks. Walk the dog. Get exercise. Eat good food. Love my people.

What will eventually happen: Things will get better. They always do :)

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That seems a lot easier than bargaining, bartering, and waiting for the magical turn around. It will come in time.

The Magic by Rhonda Byrne is a (fairly woo-woo) structured gratitude practice, conducted daily for 30 days. Every time I have completed the book, I feel gratitude so acutely I am moved to tears. I’d like to share one of the practices for tough times. Byrne shares a practice for managing difficult situations that has been life-altering for me. I have used this practice to shift my perspective on things I am actively experiencing as well as old wounds from the past.

The practice involves writing out a list of ten things you are grateful for about the difficult situation. For example, if you were in debt, a few examples could be…

1. I am grateful to my debt for forcing me to reckon with my finances. Thanks to my debt, I am now tracking my spending and working towards increasing my income. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

2. I am grateful to my debt for teaching me that I can get myself out of difficult situations. By paying down my debt, I am building my resilience and self-sufficiency. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Here are a few that apply to my current flop era:

1. I am grateful to my mentors for taking the time to provide detailed feedback on my work. This feedback will strengthen my abilities as a writer and scientist. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

2. I am thankful for this long, cold winter. I have used my down time to rest, knit, and read. I will be so grateful when spring comes because it will be in contrast to a snowy winter. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

3. I am so thankful for the privilege of cleaning my dog’s paws every day after the snow. After all, if I had no dog, I would have no paws to clean. My dog enriches my life every day and it is a gift to care for him. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gratitude always helps! To end on a positive note, I will share seven delights from the past few weeks.

1. Season 3 of Game of Thrones. This show has been so much fun for me to watch and I am so grateful to have more ahead to see.

2. An advanced screening of Last Breath (2025) at TIFF Secret Movie Club (one of the absolute best things to do in Toronto). This was fabulous, absolutely go see it when it comes out! Also, Simu Liu attended the screening and he was charming and gorgeous and a delight to see in person.

3. A very perfect blood orange sour at a cozy Mexican place in my neighbourhood.

4. Piles and piles and piles of fluffy white snow for Sully to play in.

5. A perfect afternoon spent at a bookstore that also sells wine and coffee. Everyone got a beverage and a new book to read, and we relaxed and sipped for hours.

This is my ideal establishment.

6. My Sophie hood is complete! My first ever knitting project- I am so proud of her.

7. Companion (2025)- I’m no movie critic but I loved this! We rewatched Her the next evening and they made for a great pairing.

   Thanks as always for being here and reading. It means the world- I’m so glad you’re here <3